


Acceptance

by NoHappyEnding, zhengxing



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, NHE2017, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 08:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13807164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding, https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhengxing/pseuds/zhengxing
Summary: It wasn't until Yixing's death that they were all brought together again.





	Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** 2017-124  
>  **Pairing/Main Character(s):** Lay/Exo, slight Lay/Baekhyun  
>  **Word count:** 8281 words  
>  **Rating:** PG-17/R  
>  **Warning(s):** Major character death, depression, graphic depictions of death
> 
>  **Author’s Note:**  
>  This is the hardest thing, and probably will always be the hardest thing, I’ve ever written. It was extremely draining, yet I kept writing it. I almost gave up on it when the news of Jonghyun hit, but then I decided to just keep writing with him in mind. Thank you, angel, you did well. Also, thank you to the mods of this fest! As well as thanks to my beta for this fic, I really really appreciate it :)

#### WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS SENSITIVE CONTENT WHICH SOME PEOPLE MIGHT FIND TRIGGERING.  
PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

### 

There was no rain to symbolize any time of mourning or sadness. No thunder strikes in sight, yet even without it, the effect of destruction still lingered in the air. The day wasn’t bright and sunny either, no chirping birds in the morning to awake a new, beautiful day. If you were to ask any of the Exo members, they would tell you it was the darkest day they had ever experienced, despite the weather reports stating it was a nice 18 celcius outside, mostly cloudy with sparks of sunshine.

To Exo, it was more than just the simple state the atmosphere had decided to be that day, but rather the experiences and the mourning they felt and went through that ultimately made the day unbearably dark.

Zhang Yixing was dead, cold and daunting but, nevertheless, dead. Despite many tries and wants, there was no magical cure for Zhang Yixing’s death, nor was there anything or anyone to bring this man back to life, much to many people’s dismay. Zhang Yixing was dead.

On an ill-fated day, Zhang Yixing was reported dead at the scene of a fatal car crash. He was reported to have been on his way to meet Byun Baekhyun, a fellow member of Exo, when his vehicle was suddenly hit by another vehicle. Zhang Yixing had died upon impact.

The world was in shock once the news reports came out about the dead Chinese singer. It didn’t take long for #RIPZhangYixing to start trending on various social media platforms, all of his fans in deep sadness for the loss of their idol.

The fans were not the only ones who were in mourning. Elsewhere, Yixing’s friends and family all grieve for the passing of a loved one. Amongst them are, of course, EXO -- the South Korean idol group Yixing had been in.

All of them quickly learned that they had underestimated the love and admiration they had for the man, but sadly it was a realization made too late. Zhang Yixing was gone, and now they were left to pick up the broken pieces.

After a couple of days, the funeral was set to happen. While some were ready to finally make peace with Yixing’s death and send him off respectfully, there were others that were still having trouble dealing with it. Either way, both sets of people all started showing up to the funeral.

Despite his death happening in the grounds of Korea, Yixing’s family had asked that his body be sent to China, so that he could be buried there. Of course, no one could object to his family’s last wish for him. Besides, Yixing was a proud Chinese man, he would have it no other way than be buried in the land that he had been born and raised in.

At the entrance of the building stands a large portrait of Zhang Yixing, held up by stand. Small white flowers surround the portrait like a frame, along with wide variety of flowers left at the bottom from the funeral attendees.

A large bouquet of white flowers stand on each side of the portrait, wrapped by a thick, white ribbon. Among all of this, tiny and large candles litter the grounds, surrounding the flowers and the portrait, all perfectly lit and shining.

Going inside, the same portrait is on a mount in the front of the room, placed there in the spot where the coffin will be laid. It would be nice, walking into the room and seeing the portrait of Yixing, smiling brightly while displaying his youthful radiance, yet for many people walking in, they only feel more depressed knowing that smiling man is now gone.

 

 

_stage one: denial._

 

Kim Minseok has gotten used to the feeling of bodyguards surrounding his body to protect him from fans, even despite the fact that there are still cameras and phones being shoved to his face. He likes to think he has gotten quite good at managing to get away from crowds like these, to get away from their sight and to mind his own business.

This type of thing never prepared him to have himself be shielded from public eye as he walked the church corridors to his best friend’s funeral. Never.

Even as the oldest, he can’t bring it to himself to say some encouraging words to Sehun, who’s next to him trying to hold in his tears, because he himself needs those words, too. He can’t bring it to himself to pat Chanyeol’s back for some comfort, because he, too, needs someone to pat his back. Minseok is usually on the quieter side, but always tries to contribute to group joking whenever he can. But this is not a time for laughing and banter, so Minseok keeps dead silent. Just like he has for the past 4 days, since the news of Yixing’s death was announced, Minseok hasn’t been able to say a single word.

Jongdae, on the other hand, is the poster child of loud. He can always be found either screaming, whining, or on some occasions, doing both. But now, Jongdae is biting his lip so hard it could make it start bleeding, and he does not do it to keep from being loud, like he usually is, but because this pain is easier to deal than the pain of, well, _his best friend being dead._

Even so, Jongdae has still been loud, could argue he’s been as loud as he has ever been. The other members pretend they don’t hear Jongdae’s muffled crying every night, even if they so badly would want to do the same. Everyone deals with it differently, it seems.

The taste of blood starts to invade every corner of Jongdae’s mouth, and he realizes that he finally ripped through the skin of lips and the pain of the gushing, metallic blood just isn’t enough anymore. Jongdae sighs, even with the blood trying to escape his mouth, Jongdae runs his fingers through his greasy hair. Jongdae supposes he should have taken a shower today of all days, and he tried, but every time he tried stepping into that damned shower he always saw _him._

Yixing loved showers. Always took too many, at that, but Jongdae would always like joining him, even though Yixing always protested about how he didn’t like taking showers with the other members. Jongdae always ignored it, feeling content with washing Yixing’s back even with all the protests that came from the older man.

“Fuck, Jongdae,” Junmyeon says, taking the white handkerchief from his suit pocket and wiping Jongdae’s red mouth. Jongdae stood there like a brick, letting the leader wipe away every drop of blood on Jongdae’s lips. The other members kept walking to their seats, and as Junmyeon finished wiping the blood of Jongdae’s lips, they too finally arrived to their seats.

Jongdae wishes the funeral didn’t have to be such a public event, because he sees all the cameras that are waiting for any type of emotional response from any of the members. _This is what sells, anyway. It disgusts Jongdae._

Jongdae doesn’t know if the cameras or the pitiful stares from everyone else are bothering him the most, but he can surely tell he hates both.

Jongdae starts looking around anyway, because while he hate the pity, he knows everyone means well. Mostly, Jongdae sees most of his seniors and juniors of the company, a couple of other people as well, mostly people who respected Yixing or were his friends.

Jongdae’s looking around stops short when he makes direct eye contact with eyes he hasn’t seen in a long while, even with them being tear filled, he could recognize Zitao’s eyes anywhere.

That boy never knew how not to cry, Jongdae thinks to himself, but also knowing how much Zitao hates crying alone. Jongdae heavily sighs, before motioning to Zitao to come sit with the rest of the exo members. Jongdae didn’t even know that ex members would even be allowed in, but it seems SM isn’t _that_ cruel this time.

“Zitao’s coming to sit with us,” Jongdae whispers to Junmyeon, who in returns only nods despite his surprise and confusion. Jongdae returns Junmyeon’s confusion with a face that is enough to tell Junmyeon that Jongdae doesn’t understand either.

The tap on his shoulder is enough to snap his facial conversation with Junmyeon, only to see the tall, tanned boy that Jongdae used to call his member. In this state, he can’t even smile at Zitao, but he just motions the younger to sit beside him.

“Thank you,” Zitao whispers to him, with his heavily accented Korean, but Jongdae thinks it’s better than his own broken Mandarin.

Neither of them bother to try and make conversation, to try and see what the other has been doing since they last talked to each other, but let one another mourn in silence. That is until someone came looking for Junmyeon, telling him he’d be one of the people carrying his coffin.

Minseok moved to Junmyeon’s old seat, and even without saying words, Jongdae knows it was because Minseok has always prefered sitting next to Jongdae. Jongdae grabs Minseok’s hand to comfort the older, and to comfort himself as well.

“He texted me that day,” Zitao suddenly speaks, breaking the silence with his accented Korean, his voice quiet and utterly broken. “I didn’t even respond because I thought he was just being annoying.”

_While Zitao enjoys those days where his schedule is packed, his feet and body disagree at the end of the day. Even with that, Zitao cherishes the days he comes home completely worn out and tired. It just shows how hard he has been working._

_Sadly, today is not one of those days. Quite frankly, it was a useless day where Zitao is left to stay at home alone with his dog. While Zitao enjoys these type of days as well, he admits they can be really uneventful._

_Zitao yawns, as he makes his way to his luxurious kitchen to see if there’s any snacks he can eat to pass the time. As he rummages through his cupboard, the buzz coming from his left butt pocket signalizes that he’s received a message._

_He stops what he’s doing for a moment to pull his phone out._

 

 **Yixing gege:** Zitao :) Hope you’ve been having a nice year so far filled with love and health. Hope to catch up with you soon!

_Zitao rolls his eyes, annoyed at how Yixing still manages to always be on his back even when they’re not even in the same band anymore. Ignoring the text and putting his phone back into his pocket, Zitao continues looking for a snack._

 

Another round of sobs leave Zitao, his dry sobbing being heard through all the members sitting around them. Pained to see his ex member this way, Jongdae starts rubbing the younger man’s back in hopes of comforting him. Jongdae has always had a soft spot for Zitao.

“He’s… he can’t be _dead,_ ” Zitao cries, almost making him unintelligible. “I can text him back, right? Gege, I’m doing fine, how about you?” Zitao continues to sob, now burying his face in Jongdae’s shoulder as Jongdae continues to rub his back.

It’s exactly the same thing Jongdae has been able to think for the past few days. _He can’t be dead._

Jongdae supposes he has a guilty conscious as well. It was a little before the accident that he himself had hurt Yixing as well. As the only remaining members of Exo M, Yixing always thought it was important for the three of them to stick together.

_“Hey,” Yixing says, walking up to the Minseok and Jongdae duo. Yixing had noticed the two of them had gotten quite close recently, which makes him happy inside. He knows he’s been spending more time in China due to his solo schedules, so it makes him happy that the other two remaining members of Exo-M are staying close._

_“Oh, hey hyung! I didn’t know you were still here,” Jongdae says, his voice too loud just as always. Yixing smiles at the younger man anyway._

_“Yeah, my flight was delayed so I’m staying an extra day before leaving again,” Yixing laughs awkwardly. “Would you guys like to go out to eat? I’ll be paying!”_

_Now Jongdae and Minseok turn to look at each other, and with just one look at each other, they both know the answer._

_They don’t want to go eat with Yixing._

_Minseok looks a little nervous, so Jongdae takes the hint and speaks up. “Ahh, sorry hyung but we’ve got different plans already. Maybe next time, alright?”_

_The soft smile on Yixing’s face twitches, a flash of hurt on Yixing’s face. Yixing quickly shakes it off, and smiles at them once more._

_“That’s fine. Have fun with your plans then!” Yixing tells them, giving them a small wave before walking away._

_Unbeknownst to Yixing, the two would still end up going out to eat, just not with Yixing._

 

Jongdae turns to look at Minseok, who has been silent this entire time. Jongdae sees the tears forming in Minseok’s eyes, something rare for Minseok as he rarely ever lets himself cry, especially in public.

If only the two of them hadn’t rejected Yixing’s proposal to eat with him, maybe Yixing would have died without having that memory of betrayal. When he looks at Minseok’s tear filled eyes, he knows Minseok is thinking the same thing.

 

 

_stage two: anger._

 

The Exo members, new and old, all quieted down once the funeral officially began. They watch as a priest calls out prayers, and talks about Yixing’s life as if he’d really known Yixing.

It pisses Jongin off. Yixing wasn’t anything like how they’re describing him to be. If they got anything right, it would have to be that Yixing really was a nice person. The nicest, even.

Jongin spaces out as the priest continues to speak, instead recalling all the times he had spent with his friend. Jongin shuts his eyes as he remembers exactly how nice Yixing was. So nice that Jongin wishes that Yixing would have been meaner to him.

Jongin knows Yixing was just being nice, his normal self, when he tried to comfort Jongin through his breakup.

_“Jongin, can I come in?” Yixing’s voice says, standing in front of Jongin’s door. Grumpy and heartbroken, Jongin grunts, hoping Yixing understands it doesn’t mean yes nor no. “I’m coming in.”_

_Jongin groans when Yixing opens his door and the light from outside his room peaks inside. He’s buried himself in his bed in the dark ever since Krystal had decided to break up with him._

_“Look, I’ve brought your favorite snacks and a movie. Let’s keep your mind off things for a bit, yeah?” Yixing tells him, sitting on the edge of Jongin’s bed. Jongin sits up from his bed, nodding at Yixing’s suggestion. Yixing brightens up once he sees that Jongin is willing. “Great! Oh, here I got you a cup of tea.”_

_Yixing hands him the hot cup, to which Jongin takes with caution. Jongin blows on it for a couple of seconds before taking a tentative sip. His face contorts once he gets a taste of the drink._

_“Hyung, is this coffee?” Jongin asks harshly. Yixing looks confused as he looks at Jongin’s drink. “You know I don’t like coffee!”_

_Yixing looks regretful, taking the cup from Jongin’s hand. “Sorry, I accidentally gave you my cup-”_

_“Whatever, get out,” Jongin grunts, falling back onto his bed and covering himself with his bed sheets._

_“I...um, yeah. I’ll leave then. Sorry again,” Yixing stutters, before Jongin hears his steps leave his room and his door quietly shut._

_He’s at peace again._

 

While he plays the memory in his mind, Jongin can’t help but clench his fists tighter. Yixing definitely didn’t deserve that, but most importantly, Jongin didn’t deserve Yixing’s kindness.

Jongin lets out a long sigh, angry that he treated Yixing that way, angry that Yixing was still nice to him even after that incident, angry that Yixing is dead. When the priest once again talks about how nice Yixing was, Jongin gets angry once more over the fact that Yixing wasn’t meaner, at least to him.

Kyungsoo, sitting next to Jongin, notices how tense Jongin seems to be. He looks at himself as well, noticing he’s almost equally as tense as his friend next to him.

Kyungsoo knows Jongin is tense because he’s angry, he can tell by how hard the younger is clenching his fists. Kyungsoo is only tense because he feels uncomfortable, sitting in the front seats to Yixing’s funeral.

Kyungsoo is known for being one of the quiet members of Exo, even though he’s one of the main vocalists of the group. Most of the public doesn’t know just how rowdy and talkative Kyungsoo can be when he’s with friends, but it was never the case when it came to him and Yixing.

He didn’t hate Yixing, he never did, but he could never really get close with Yixing. Uncomfortable.

_It was one of those nights were all nine of them were together. The members all seem to be really happy to have Yixing there to go out for drinks. Kyungsoo sits back watching awkwardly, knowing he’s never really been able to converse comfortably with Yixing. At least he can respect the other members while they interact with the Chinese man._

_It seems as Kyungsoo has been staring too long because now his eyes have met with Yixing. The man sends him a warm smile, waving at the wide eyed man. Not knowing how to respond, Kyungsoo looks away._

_A minute later, Kyungsoo had been so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Yixing has come over and sat next to him._

_“Fun night, right?” Yixing asks him, pouring Kyungsoo a shot of soju. Kyungsoo shakily takes the cup from his hyung and drinks it in one go. Kyungsoo nods to Yixing’s question, and says nothing more._

_Yixing looks like he wants to say more to Kyungsoo, but they’re interrupted by Baekhyun’s whining for his hyung back. Yixing looks apologetic before saying, “Gotta go. We’ll talk later!”_

_They never do._

 

Maybe if Kyungsoo had made more of an effort to talk back to whenever Yixing tried to talking to him, or even starting conversations as well, he could have gotten closer with Yixing. As the years passed by, and Yixing kept approaching Kyungsoo, the younger only slowly stopped responding back. Kyungsoo can’t even remember the last time he had said something back to Yixing.

Uncomfortable. Kyungsoo shouldn’t be sitting in such a high privilege of sitting in the front seats to Yixing’s funeral. Kyungsoo doesn’t deserve to be sitting here, a coward who could never speak back to Yixing. Now, he definitely can never hear Yixing speak to him ever again.

His train of thoughts get interrupted once he sees that the doors to the church have opened, and a coffin starts peaking inside. _His_ coffin.

Junmyeon in the front, alongside Yixing’s most important family and loved ones, carries Yixing’s coffin with neutral expressions on the outside, but Junmyeon feels himself crumbling on the inside. Knowing the fact that a motionless and lifeless Yixing rests inside the coffin that he carries with all his strength, it haunts Junmyeon to his core.

Yixing loved music, to the point where he would always claim that music was his life. Junmyeon, despite knowing just how much Yixing valued his music in his life, still pushed it when he had told Yixing how much he didn’t like one of his songs.

_It wasn’t rare to have Yixing energetically bouncing to Junmyeon for something, so Junmyeon pays it no mind when it happens._

_Like now._

_“Ey, Junmyeon! You have to listen to this song I just finished up,” Yixing tells him, his grin blinding with how happy he looks. Laughing softly, Junmyeon nods as he accepts the earbuds Yixing is shoving at his face._

_Junmyeon bops his head as he listens to the song, quick to notice that a lot of the lyrics are in English. As he listens on, Junmyeon frowns at the lyrics. He doesn’t know much English, but it’s easy to tell that the lyrics are not in anyway clean or appropriate. Junmyeon finds the whole beat and chorus to be weird as well, which is just Yixing calling himself a sheep._

_“Yixing, this song is weird,” Junmyeon tells him, ripping the earbuds from his ear and rolling his eyes._

_Once he looks at Yixing, the man is no longer buzzing with energy, but stands there blank faced._

_Junmyeon walks away._

 

Junmyeon still doesn’t understand why he would even say it the way that he had, so harshly and without real criticism.

Junmyeon remembers the look on Yixing’s face when he had told him that, a face full of hurt and hesitancy. Junmyeon had made fun of the most important thing in Yixing’s life.

Now, Junmyeon walks as he carries a lifeless Yixing in a coffin, the younger no longer being able to make more music, and no long able to hear praise coming from Junmyeon. Junmyeon keeps his neutral expression, but he is crumbling on the inside.

They finally reach the front, and Junmyeon and the rest gently set Yixing’s coffin down. Junmyeon lets his head droop in shame, as he stands before Yixing’s coffin knowing of his grave mistake from the past that he can’t even fix. The only person who deserves anger is himself.

In the far corner of the funeral sits Wu Yifan, who had just arrived after debating his appearance at the funeral back and forth. In the end, Wu Yifan ended up marching in anyway to pay his respects to his old friend. It’s the least he can do, but it’s the most he’s ever done for Yixing even when the younger male was still alive.

He didn’t miss the portrait of Yixing in front of the reception of the male shining one of his brightest smiles. It hurt Yifan knowing Yixing wasn’t always as happy as he looked in that picture.

Immediately after silently sitting down, he sees that his friend’s coffin has already been set down, Exo’s leader standing by it and looking down. Yifan doesn’t know why it irritates him so much, just at the sight of the leader. He looks more around the room and there in the front does he find the rest of the group. Something in the pit of Yifan’s stomach unsettles him.

Of course they’re in the front, Yifan thinks with a chuckle. Yixing loved the members more than anything, perhaps even more than his music. Yifan has never seen anyone as loyal to his members than Zhang Yixing himself, and now he thinks he was rather foolish for what he had asked Yixing once.

_Ever since Yifan left Exo, there hasn’t been much opportunity to meet up with any of the current members. The lawsuit held against Yifan makes it very limited for him to interact with anything Korean, but also with any of the members publicly. It is the sad truth, but this is what he signed up for when he decided to leave._

_He sometimes talks to the other members through text, but he’s found it’s too hard to only talk to Yixing through messages. He had a real connection with the dimpled man, therefore he would try harder in meeting up with him. It’s easier with him, too as Yixing visits China more frequently than the other members._

_“They’re even letting me have my own studio, Ge! It’s so great,” Yixing is talking animatedly to Yifan, telling him what he’s been up to lately._

_Yifan can’t help but feel slightly bitter that Yixing has been given these opportunities that he had never received when he was still in the group. He wonders why they had let Yixing do this but not him._

_“Is it enough?” Yifan prompts him, raising an eyebrow at the younger man. “I mean, you’ll still be tied to SM entertainment. You won’t even have full control of your solo schedule.”_

_“Yeah, it’s not perfect, but I trust whatever input they’ll give me about my solo stuff,” Yixing says, not hesitating with his answer. It bothers Yifan knowing that Yixing has been so blinded by the company. His friend deserves better._

_“C’mon, Yixing. Imagine how hard it’ll be to manage your solo schedule with the group’s schedule. Just leave the group entirely, trust me, it’ll benefit you more than you think,” Yifan tells him. He thinks Yixing should be looking hopeful, but instead the younger is frowning._

_“That’s not right. I swore my loyalty to Exo and Exo only,” Yixing tells him, a bit of anger lacing his voice._

_“Really now?” Yifan scoffs, annoyed with Yixing’s answer. “So if I made you choose between staying friends with me or staying with Exo, who would you choose?”_

_Yifan smirks when Yixing finally has some look of hesitancy on his face, but it goes away once Yixing gives him his answer._

_His face looks apologetic and almost pitiful. “I’m sorry,” Yixing tells him softly._

_Yixing stands up from his seat and leaves the restaurant the two had been dining in. Yifan watches as Yixing walks away, getting angrier by the second. Yifan knocks his cup of water down and cursing under his breath._

 

He remembers Yixing’s hurt face when Yifan tried making him choose between staying friends with him or staying in the group. He knew he was being irrational and controlling, yet he wanted to see just how far Yixing’s loyalty stood with the group. Yifan could never forget the way Yixing had whispered an apology to him before leaving Yifan, but instead of being mad at Yixing, he was now mad at himself.

With that, Yifan abruptly stands up from his seat and silently makes his way out. He’s not deserving of being there, not when he had asked such a harsh thing of Yixing. Before he can approach his car, he turns back and sees that portrait of Yixing again.

Turning to face the picture, Yifan mutters a small apology. “I’m sorry for not making you smile like that all the time.”

With clenched fists, Yifan goes to his car with harsh panting, and the feeling of his nails ripping at the skin of his palms. Yifan doesn’t think it could even compare to the pain he had brought to Yixing.

 

 

_stage three: bargaining._

 

Some find comfort in the silence that accompanies a room, yet the silence in the reception feels anything but comforting to Luhan. Taking a few moments in silence, Luhan closes his eyes and replays all of his favorite memories that he had shared with Yixing. Realistically, Luhan knows that Yixing couldn’t be happy every second that he was alive, but he would prefer to only remember those moments anyway.

Oh, how he would do anything to forget the face Yixing had whenever he was feeling sad. Luhan used to laugh at it, telling Yixing that he looked silly. Now, Yixing’s depressed face haunts Luhan everytime he thinks of his best friend. Luhan doesn’t want to think about it, about all the times Yixing was sad, especially the times it was caused by Luhan himself.

Luhan remembers that Yixing’s personality meant never got mad easily and it usually took a lot for the Chinese man to be genuinely pissed off. Luhan would always tease Yixing about it, and would take advantage of it at times. Point is, no matter what Luhan would do to Yixing, the younger male would never let it get between their friendship and the brotherly love he felt towards Luhan. Luhan wishes he would’ve been more like Yixing in that respect.

Being his best friend, Luhan always took pride in knowing almost everything about Yixing. Of course, he didn’t know _everything_ , so it would bring Luhan happiness whenever he learned something new from Yixing. When Yixing told him that he was gay, Luhan hadn’t reacted happily, to say the least.

_With both of them having an event in Beijing, Luhan and Yixing decided to hang out after it ended. Everytime the camera wasn’t being pointed at them, the two would sneakily be looking at each other and joking around just how they always have._

_Soon enough, the event was over and the two decided to go to Luhan’s place. It almost reminds Yixing of the nights that he and Luhan would spend in their old dorm._

_“Luhan, can I speak to you about something?” Yixing asks, breaking the silence between the two of them after a video game session._

_Luhan drops his controller, and turns to look at Yixing to show him that he’s fully paying attention. “You know you can tell me anything, Xing.”_

_Yixing nods, giving him a tight smile. “Right. I’m not sure how to tell you this, and it might seem really sudden, but it’s something that I’ve kept inside for a long time…”_

_Yixing pauses, taking a deep breath before avoiding Luhan’s eyes._

_“I’m...gay,” he says, in one big breath. Luhan freezes, not expecting that to be what Yixing wanted to talk to him about._

_Yixing? His best friend is gay? Luhan has never understood homosexuality, and more now knowing that his best friend is gay. Why did it have to be Yixing?_

_“Are you...sure?” Luhan asks, furrowing his eyebrows. “You don’t seem gay.”_

_Yixing frowns once he hears this. “I am, I always have. I’m...dating Baekhyun actually.”_

_Luhan scoffs once he hears this. “Jeez, if I had known sooner then I would have been more hesitant to change in front of you. You’re not gay for me, right?”_

_Yixing sighs, still frowning at Luhan’s words. “No, Luhan, I’m not gay for you.” Yixing grunts out, turning away to not have to look at Luhan anymore._

_Luhan laughs it off._

 

Yixing’s coffin is opened to reveal him, the man motionless on the coffin, looking the palest he's ever been. It makes Luhan sick to his stomach, yet he can’t help to think how beautiful his best friend is. His smile is tight as he looks at the face of his best friend from his seat, wondering if there’s anything he could have done to prevent all of this.

Luhan swears he’ll never think ill of anyone that is homosexual if it means he’ll have his best friend back. Luhan holds back a cry, knowing it can’t happen but attempting anyway, hoping his wish is clear to any higher power.

As he closes his eyes, he sees that image of Yixing’s hurt expression, and Luhan can’t hold back his crying any longer. A tear runs down his cheeks as he realizes that his prayer has not been answered.

As for Chanyeol, he’s been crying ever since the funeral had started. He can feel the snot running from his nose, but he couldn't care less. His thoughts are elsewhere, of his hyung who he’s known for so many years, now laying in his coffin only a few feet away.

The same year Chanyeol had been casted by SM to train was the year that Yixing had also been casted. He remembers meeting him clearly, his first impression of Yixing being that he was hardworking, but also very nice and a bit quiet.

Chanyeol quickly learned over the years of getting to know the elder that his first impression was about right. While he was quiet, there were times Yixing would be bursting of energy and you really couldn’t get the man to shut up, no matter what. Chanyeol loved seeing Yixing like that the most, the man would be talking so animatedly about a strange topic that would never interest Chanyeol, if it had not been Yixing talking about it so passionately.

Chanyeol’s favorite moments with Yixing were ones were they would both sit down and compose together, sharing ideas and merging them to one beautiful product. Chanyeol always thought Yixing was so insightful whenever it came to music.

_“Hyung, what do you think of this?” Chanyeol asks, putting his headphones on Yixing. Once he sees that Yixing has fixed the headphones, Chanyeol plays the track he was working on all night._

_He notices Yixing yawn, but nonetheless seems immersed in Chanyeol’s composition. It’s telling that Yixing is liking it by the way the man bops his head along with the beat, his hands dancing along as well. Chanyeol smiles at his friend, laughing at his quirks._

_After the composition finishes, Yixing gives Chanyeol a thumbs up, telling him he liked it. To Yixing’s confusion, Chanyeol starts laughing uncontrollably._

_“Ah, c’mon Yixing hyung, you’ve been in Korea for how many years? You still mistake simple pronunciation like that?” Chanyeol jokes, as he continues laughing at Yixing’s pronunciation fail. Through his laughter session, Chanyeol fails to see the hurt face in Yixing’s face._

_Yixing, too hurt at Chanyeol’s words, doesn’t have the energy to defend himself. He doesn’t have the energy to tell Chanyeol that he’s extremely tired and his mind is too muddled to make any actual sense. Yixing let’s Chanyeol continue laughing, while silently telling the younger that he’ll be going to sleep._

_Chanyeol doesn’t mind him, and then continues working on his composition._

Chanyeol cries at the memory. He cries thinking how stupid he was, how he never knew when he was pushing past reasonable boundaries. Chanyeol never means to intentionally offend someone, and once he thinks about it, he realizes that he had hurt his friend.

He was foolish. Yixing’s Korean wasn’t perfect, but Chanyeol always enjoyed listening to it anyway. There was something oddly melodic about it, but Chanyeol always thought that was more to due to Yixing’s softly spoken voice.

If only he could hear that voice once more telling Chanyeol that he liked his composition, even with that mispronunciation, Chanyeol would smile and tell him _thank you, hyung._

_Thank you for everything._

The reception is now calling for anyone close family and friends to come up and say a few words about Yixing. All the Exo members sit tight in their seats, watching as person after person comes up.

It is when Junmyeon goes up that every members pays close attention. A word from the members is exactly what everyone is waiting for, and if anyone can be the one to do it, it is Junmyeon.

Junmyeon starts with a simple introduction, telling them who he is and what Yixing had meant to him. He more or less repeats what everyone else had been saying, about Yixing’s kind and warm personality, but also how hardworking and resilient he was in everything he did.

It is when Junmyeon talks about Yixing’s beauty that Sehun perks up.

“Yixing’s beauty sneaks up to you. At first glance, you can see that he was a good looking young man. Slowly, as you start talking to him more and getting to know him, someone with ordinary looks suddenly turns into someone extraordinary. Yixing’s beauty was enough to light up a room, which even got him the nickname as unicorn.

“Yixing was especially beautiful whenever you saw him do something passionately. Whether it be dancing, composing, singing or even acting, he always looks handsome whenever he did any of this. Yixing was never Exo’s visual or ranked high in looks, but I always found him beautiful anyway,” Junmyeon finishes, a tight smile on his face, trying not to cry. He must remain strong, for his friends and for the other members.

Sehun feels guilty, to the point where he almost feels like he’s being shot by every word that Junmyeon speaks. Sehun was always someone Yixing had found attractive, the older never hiding the fact. Sehun had always been flattered, never getting used to the praise he received for his looks. It was a little more meaningful whenever Yixing would tell him, though.

_“Ah, look at that. How handsome,” Yixing coos as he pinches Sehun’s cheeks. If it were anyone else, Sehun would be scolding, but since it’s Yixing hyung he allows it. “If only hyung was just as handsome, huh?”_

_Sehun frowns. He never understood how Yixing could be so humble about his looks, Sehun sometimes thinks that Yixing is pretending. Sure, he’s not labeled as a visual but surely he knows that he’s attractive, at least? Sehun scoffs, thinking Yixing is just playing with him._

_“Yeah right, hyung,” Sehun mutters, getting out of Yixing’s grasp on his cheeks. “You could never look like me.”_

_Sehun doesn’t miss the sad smile on Yixing’s face, but forgets once Yixing says something. “Of course not, Sehun is just too handsome.”_

Sehun bites at his lip, squeezing his eyes shut with guilt. Sehun never told Yixing he was handsome to his face, and it’s eating away at him. Sehun doesn’t know why he would say that, or even think that Yixing was just pretending. Yixing was always such an honest man, he probably was insecure about his looks. If only Sehun could take back his words.

Once the speeches end, everyone is allowed to come up to the coffin and pay their respects to Yixing. Sehun comes up to the coffin, and sees Yixing lay beautifully on the coffin. Sehun gently drops a rose next to Yixing’s peaceful face.

“I tried to find a rose as beautiful as you, hyung, but I couldn’t find any. I hope this one is good enough,” Sehun says, his voice cracking. He takes one last glance at his friends face before letting the next person in line pay their respects as well.

Sehun lets out a big breath he didn’t know he was keeping in, and finally allows himself to let a tear drop.

 

 

_stage four: depression._

 

Baekhyun watches as Yixing’s loved ones gently put down Yixing’s coffin into the hole that was dug up for him. Baekhyun is grateful for Junmyeon and Yixing’s other friends who are strong enough to be able to keep a strong face while burying their friend. He recognizes some of them, including Huang Lei and Show Luo, two members of Go Fighting that Yixing had deeply loved. Baekhyun remembers being introduced to them by Yixing, the man so eager that all the important people of his life meet. Baekhyun is always honored to have been important to Yixing.

Baekhyun is also grateful that apart from him that there was other people Yixing found important. At least Yixing had friends who were strong enough for this. Baekhyun is not one of them.

Baekhyun kneels in front of Yixing’s tombstone, letting his tear drops as he pays his respect for his deceased friend. No, Yixing was more than just a friend to Baekhyun. Yixing was everything.

Baekhyun can’t pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with Yixing, but he likes to think it’s because loving Yixing has always came so naturally to him. Even with the first impression Baekhyun had towards Yixing, when the older man had told Baekhyun to leave the training room, Baekhyun was enamored. He had never seen anyone dance as fluidly as Yixing had that day, and no other trainees he’d seen on that day could ever compare to Zhang Yixing.

After their first encounter, Baekhyun quickly learned that Yixing was anything but rude. He was perfect, and Baekhyun was so sure he was in love.

Years passed by with the two growing closer and closer. The other members also saw that, and would often the two by how touchy they were with each other. Baekhyun would always be cursing at himself on the inside, mad at himself for making it so obvious how much he likes Yixing in that way.

He remembers the day that Yixing told him he felt the same way. Oddly enough, it was in the exact same training room they had met in.

The two of them were practicing hard on some choreo, and since Yixing wasn’t going anywhere soon, Baekhyun had thought it was the perfect time to spend some alone time with Yixing. Baekhyun knew there wouldn’t be many interactions between them because once Yixing is training and focused, there’s no snapping him out of it. Nonetheless, any time spent next to Yixing’s side is a win for Baekhyun.

Baekhyun, too focused on Yixing instead of the actual choreo, had clumsily tripped on his own feet and landed harshly on the cold floor. Baekhyun was in so much pain, cradling his injured leg with his arms as his face scrunched up in pain. Baekhyun hadn’t even realized Yixing had stopped dancing until he felt himself being lifting off the ground.

Yixing had properly treated Baekhyun’s injury with supplies Yixing always carried in case something like that would happen. In all that time, Baekhyun couldn’t stop gazing at how Yixing diligently worked to make Baekhyun feel less pain. Soon enough, Yixing was gazing back and it didn’t take long before their lips were meeting each other. Their first kiss is something Baekhyun could never forget.

Baekhyun reaches to touch his lips, crying even more knowing all those times Yixing’s warm, plump lips had kissed his own. All those times Yixing would teasingly bite the bottom of Baekhyun’s lips. Baekhyun starts choking up from his sobs.

Yixing shouldn’t have left this world by himself, Baekhyun thinks. Baekhyun hasn’t been able to sleep knowing Yixing was on his way to see _him._ It partly makes Baekhyun feel responsible.

_“Hey Baekhyunie~. I’m almost there, alright? There’s a lot of traffic,” Yixing says through the phone, his cheeriness present in his voice._

_Baekhyun’s frown darkens, not knowing how to break the news to his boyfriend. Baekhyun takes a deep breath anyway, mustering all his courage to tell Yixing._

_“...Babe, I’m so sorry. I know it’s our anniversary but my mom just called suddenly and wants to have dinner with the family. I… you know she doesn’t know about us so-”_

_“It’s okay, Baekhyunie, we can always reschedule,” Yixing cuts off, the sweetness in his voice never disappearing. Baekhyun wonders how Yixing can stay so gentle with him even when he cancels their anniversary plans. Baekhyun always thinks he doesn’t deserve someone as great as Yixing._

_“I’m sorry again, Yixing. Goodbye,” Baekhyun tells him softly. His mother has already arrived at his house, along with the rest of his family. Someday, he hopes he’ll be brave enough to tell his family about Yixing, just how Yixing had told his family about Baekhyun._

_“Goodbye,” Yixing says back, his voice a little strained. Baekhyun doesn’t pay it any attention as he hangs up and goes to greet his family._

Baekhyun doesn’t stop sobbing while he hugs Yixing’s tombstone. Baekhyun definitely didn’t deserve Yixing, but most importantly, Yixing’s last moments shouldn’t have been of his boyfriend cancelling their anniversary plans that Yixing had worked so hard to plan. Yixing didn’t deserve to die like that.

How Baekhyun wishes Yixing had a boyfriend that wasn’t too much of a coward to tell his family about their relationship, who would always be there for Yixing and only gave him happy memories until the end.

Most people have long left the reception, mostly letting Baekhyun mourn his boyfriend in peace. The other members have taken responsibility to make sure Yixing’s parents are fine and eating, while others are with Yixing’s grandparents. Baekhyun was the only one to stay with Yixing.

“I’m sorry, Yixing,” Baekhyun continues repeating between his sobs. At this point, he starts hiccuping from how much crying he’s been doing. Baekhyun couldn’t care less, so he allows himself to continue crying without minding the hiccups, his runny nose, and the tears that are soaking his face and shirt.

“Here,” Baekhyun looks up to the voice and is taken aback when he sees it’s Yifan. The tall man hands him a tissue to wipe his face from all his tears.

“Thanks,” Baekhyun says quietly. He half-heartedly wipes parts of his face, but his crying doesn’t stop.

Yifan takes a seat next to Baekhyun, but puts enough space between them to still let Baekhyun mourn in peace.

Soon after, the other members start coming one by one. Just like Yifan, they sit near Baekhyun but they never touch him, they don’t even say a single word, but their silence is enough to tell Baekhyun that they are here for him.

Baekhyun looks around to see all the members of Exo, old and present, gathering together surrounding him and Yixing’s tombstone. The members all look at each other before bringing themselves together and go in for a group hug, letting Baekhyun stay in the middle.

Some encouraging words are passed between each other, some just cry. Either way, they know that they are all mourning for their friend.

It wasn't until Yixing's death that they were all brought together again.

 

 

_stage five: acceptance_

 

It would be nice to say that despite it all, the 11 members would soon learn to accept Yixing’s death as it was and move on with their lives.

Unfortunately, those who were in denial stay in denial, just as those who were angry stay angry at Yixing’s death. All too guilt ridden to ever learn to get over Zhang Yixing’s death, all thinking it was somehow their fault Yixing died.

They would never know that even in his last moments, Yixing was thinking about them.

_Yixing can’t feel anything but pain all over his body. As he tries to look at himself, he dizzies as he sees all the blood covered on him. He gets extra nauseous once he realizes it’s his own blood. He curses at the pain when he tries to lift his arm._

_As he looks at himself, he can’t help but think he won’t survive, especially since he’s a hemophiliac. There’s glass shatters digged in so many parts of his body, bruises that are now covering his body. Yixing curses once more._

_He gives up on trying to call for help, and instead let’s himself lay on his spot. His breathing is becoming weak with every breath he takes._

_If this is really the end…_

_Yixing weakly smiles as he recalls all the important events and people of his life. His beautiful mother, his father, his grandparents. When he first did Star Academy and met so many stars that he idolized. Yixing remembers his first girlfriend, and how he soon after realized that he wasn’t straight at all. He remembers his audition at SM entertainment, and remembers how he had gotten in. Remembers meeting all the other trainees, remembers his trainee life, and remembers the day he was told he was going to debut with EXO._

_He remembers all the amazing members that had debuted with him. He remembers the kind maknae of Exo-M, Zitao, and how much Yixing would love to spoil him. He remembers Jongdae and Minseok, the two Korean members of Exo-M. Yixing remembers the late nights he would have with either of them to try and help them with their Mandarin, and all the fun they had while doing that._

_He remembers the handsome dancer Jongin, and how hard the two would work on dance routines together. Jongin would always ask Yixing for advice on all range of topics, and Yixing always happily gave him responses back. He remembers Kyungsoo, the singer with godly vocals. Yixing always loved hearing the man sing, and would also love bothering Kyungsoo to get a reaction. Kyungsoo was easy to tease. Then there was Junmyeon, Exo’s leader. Junmyeon and him would always get into compliment wars, which others always found ridiculous, but Yixing loved them if it meant he’d get to see the leader flush in embarrassment. Yifan was someone really special to Yixing, because he was one of his first friends at SM and they especially got along because they were both Chinese. Despite that, Yixing always acted like a brat towards Yifan, and despite how many times Yifan had told Yixing he wasn’t cute, Yixing always knew that Yifan was lying. Yixing had pride in knowing that Yifan wasn’t as cold as everyone made him out to be._

_Of course, his other best friend would be none other than Luhan. With Luhan, Yixing never thought twice to be himself around the older man. Yixing always cherished how easily he and Luhan would start joking around and laughing with each other. He remembers nights he and Chanyeol would be composing together, remembers all the praises Chanyeol would give Yixing after listening to Yixing’s compositions. Most importantly, Yixing loved encouraging the tall man to dance because he knew how insecure Chanyeol was about his dancing. Unlike Sehun who was very much confident with his dancing. As the maknae, Yixing always made sure to treat Sehun as such. Yixing would always make sure Sehun was eating, sleeping on time, amongst other things. To Yixing’s surprise, Sehun too started doing the same towards Yixing. It always warmed his heart._

_Last of all...there was Baekhyun. The man that managed to take Yixing’s heart with a toothy grin and that beautiful ring of a laugh. Baekhyun, who was always there for Yixing whenever he wanted to talk about what was on his mind. Baekhyun, who Yixing just loved treating him with nice things. All those moments when they were together, those nights spent in each other’s bed, all inspired Yixing to wake everyday and write music. He loves Baekhyun so much._

_Yixing takes one last big breath, not knowing when his last breath will be. If there’s one thing he does know, though, is that he will not be dying unfulfilled._

_He has been loved and it is enough._


End file.
